– It came out of the blue. I hadn’t seen the signs at all.
That’s what Mike Bos (50) says about the situation he found himself in four years ago.
A situation where the partner of eleven years suddenly delivered the message “I’m going to move out”, before she packed toiletries and a couple of essentials in a bag and left.
Because Mike thought the atmosphere was good between the two, he reacted with both surprise, anger and despair.
– I sat completely exhausted on the sofa and cried, the 50-year-old man previously told Nettavisen.
As a man, Mike is not alone in being neither surprised nor depressed after the breakup.
Two out of three relationships are ended by the woman
Psychologist and cohabitation therapist Frode Thuen, who has both researched and talked to married and divorced people over 30 years, has found out the following:
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In two out of three cases, it is women who take the initiative to end a relationship, and the breakup often comes as a surprise to the men.
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While women typically experience greater challenges before the break-up, it is men who struggle the most in the period after. About a third of divorced men report mental health problems two years after the breakup.
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Divorced men have a four times higher risk of committing suicide compared to married men.
Thuen believes that women often take the first step because they have different, and perhaps greater, expectations than men for the relationship.
– Women may have higher expectations for communication and emotional attachment, and may be more inclined to leave a relationship if these needs are not met, says the psychologist.
He points out that women are often more skilled at both managing and expressing their feelings. This means that they have less fear of changing a situation they are not happy with.
Finally, he points to the financial independence of most women, which enables them to break out of a relationship that doesn’t feel right.
– But why does the breakup come as such a surprise to the man?
Thuen points to two things.
One, that the woman has not been clear about what she needs.
Two, that the man has been unresponsive to what the woman wants to say.
– He has often taken her for granted and either not listened to, or internalized, the message she has tried to convey.
Mike partially recognizes himself in this.
– I’m not a mind reader
– There was a lot I didn’t pick up because she didn’t say things directly. I’m not a mind reader. It would have been much easier to be prepared if she had said things directly instead of putting so much between the lines, he says.
Although the relationship he was previously in did not work optimally for him either, it was still not relevant for him to leave his partner. He was fine enough – and he had nothing else to go to.
– The relationship was my whole life, says the man who moved from the Netherlands to his girlfriend eight years before the breakup and therefore did not have a large network in Norway.
So when one day she suddenly packed her bag and left, he sat there, slightly dazed and in shock, as many men do after a breakup.
– Felt gutted after the breakup
Thuen says that the shock and grief is especially great for those who are abandoned because they lose control. Loss of control can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and a sense of helplessness.
Breakups increase the risk of suicide among men over 40, and those without partners have a four times higher risk than married men.
Men’s mental health also suffers during break-ups because they often have fewer friends to lean on than women.
Thuen has told Nettavisen that men can become social free passengers in the relationship, where they leave the social responsibility to the partner. This can backfire in the event of a breakup, something Mike experienced strongly.
– I had all my friends through her, and had invested everything in the relationship. I felt completely devastated after the breakup, and I couldn’t bear the thought of starting from scratch at the age of almost 50, he has previously told Nettavisen.
Two characters
So how to avoid ending up in the situation where you are completely unprepared for being abandoned by the person you thought you were going to share the rest of your life with?
According to Thuen, there are two clear signs in particular that she has finished and is about to leave you.
It first is a behavior where she is accusatory and reproachful.
– If over time she is angry and mean to you, it is probably a sign that she is really frustrated that you are not giving her the attention she wants. There are few women who nag and criticize for fun. Often there is a suppressed need for confirmation and recognition. If you see this type of behaviour, there is danger on the way, says the psychologist.
It others type of behavior Thuen points out is that the woman pulls away.
– If she is distant and aloof, it is a clear sign that she may be on her way out, he says.
So if you see one of these signs. What are you going to do?
Must be more responsive
Thuen advises men to meet both types of behavior with curiosity.
– Don’t go into the trenches, or pull away yourself, but acknowledge her feelings. For example, say you see that she is upset and sad, and then ask her what she wants from you and how you can be a better partner for her, he advises.
– So should men become better at talking about problems?
– In general, many men need to become more responsive to the things that the other party misses. He doesn’t always manage to meet her needs, but if he manages to show understanding for her feelings, then a lot has been done, he says.
