Eurovision judges song by song with a roll of the dice

Dagbladet’s Ralf Lofstad reviews the Eurovision songs – also for Se og Hør. Here you can read his verdict as the artists perform.

The most recent songs are at the top. Scroll down to read all.

In the second semi-final of this year’s Eurovision in Malmö, 16 countries are fighting for the 10 final places; in addition, France, Spain and Italy, which are among the five countries with a guaranteed place, will perform.

16. The Netherlands. Joost Klein: “Pope of Europe”

The Netherlands joins the ranks of the contributions that appeared so much better in the video than on stage here in Malmö. While Joost had a totally corny, yet fascinating and moving video, here he just gets corny, without a particularly good twenty-something techno song to lean on. Disappointing.

15. Norway. Riddle: “Wolf Ham”

Flawlessly delivered by Gunnhild and the rest of the band again – but I think they disappear a little on the big stage in Malmö, so that the impression is not as strong as in Trondheim. But it sounds as amazing as ever! Then we’ll see if the rest of Europe agrees.

14. Israel. Eden Golan: “Hurricane”

It is impossible to assess Israel without considering the superstructure here. But objectively speaking, this is not a bad song at all: well-produced, well-written and well-sung by Eden, who is possibly absolutely not untouched by the tension and the response – if so it can be heard in the voice – but it is thoroughly professional and well-played.

Out of competition. Italy: Angelina Magno: “La Noia”

Angelina probably promised more than she could keep in the video. So, it’s still energetic and an above-average catchy First Price Shakira song – but a whole lot of the kick-ass personality has unfortunately not joined the stage.

13. Estonia. 5 Minust and Puuluup: “(nendest) narcotikumidest ei tea me (küll) magadi”

This song was much more festive in the video. Here in Malmö, just six middle-aged men stand and jump and run without apparent purpose, while at strategic moments they show off fiddle-like folk instruments. The song is a kind of hybrid metal/techno – topped with super fake singing! No no no.

12. Belgium. Mustii: “Before the Party’s Over”

So, Belgium has 12 million inhabitants – and they couldn’t find one man who can sing cleanly? This is consistently hard to listen to. Then it just has to be that he takes off his upper body gradually and stands and stomps like a madman. And the song? Like the subtitle song on a C-action movie on Netflix.

11. Georgia. Nutsa Buzaladze: “Fire Fighter”

Georgia is by far the best in the “budget” category, with real flames masking an otherwise uncreative stage show. Nutsa sings a little sourly, but the song is OK, that one. But winning material in Eurovision? Strongly in doubt.

10. San Marino. Megara: “11:11”

Ugh. I’m no Anders Grønneberg, but under the right circumstances I’d bet a lot that the mini-putt state never wins Eurovision. Everything has apparently been borrowed here – artist, songwriters, etc., etc. An admittedly quite energetic sauce of rock rhythms and distorted guitars, but not a song that sticks in any way. The song is also fairly weak, and the stage show uninventive.

Out of competition. Spain: Nebulossa: “Zorra”

OK, where do we start here? This feels a bit like witnessing an assault: A middle-aged lady dressed like a 20-year-old, with a LOT of butt from the two male dancers who mostly appear as masochistic slaves. It’s also a forgettable song; little happens above the pumping rhythm, apart from Mery driving in a super-soft tonality over a totally forgettable song.

9. Latvia. Dons: Hollow

But what in heaven’s name is this, Latvia? I don’t even bother to mention the “coincidental” similarity in title to a far better song – but this just confuses. Blue superhero outfit? Admittedly a powerful voice from Dons, but the stage show is extremely stagnant and sleep-inducing. This could usefully have remained in the underground manor house in Riga.

8. Armenia. Ladaniva: Jako

Among Eurovision’s guaranteed things from year to year is that Armenia is right at the top for the most nationally romantic entries. And they do not disappoint this year. Here there are folk costumes and Eastern-inspired melodies. But one wonders if the advance review was not a bit too enthusiastic; Ladaniva sings well, and is everywhere on the creative stage set – but the song doesn’t quite stick with me – and probably not with you either.

7. Denmark. Saba: “Sand”

The best thing that can be said about the Danes’ contribution is that both artist and song names are easy to remember. But that’s also all. Saba struggles with the pitch and does not make a big deal of herself in the huge void of the stage, where she stands still in the middle. The song is taken from five on three at Palazzo, the disco on “Color Magic”. Didn’t think it looked so stupid down there in Copenhagen. Next!

6. Austria. Kaleen: “We Will Rave”

Beneath the conservative Catholic surface lies a rich Austrian underbelly. And Kaleen slides right in there. Suitable vulgar, porno-ish outfit and moves. But the song isn’t that bad at all, it is – although this has hardly anything to do with rave. Memorable and hummable – it just has to be that Kaleen can’t quite sing cleanly.

Out of competition. France. Slimane: “Mon Amour”

This contribution partially received a standing ovation in the upload, but I have more doubts. Slimane appears mostly as a retired beachgoer who can luckily have a show or two at the local tavern on the Riviera. The voice is OK, but the song is clichéd heartache, and the fact that he is alone on stage doesn’t help either.

5. Czech Republic. Aiko: “Pedestal”

Aiko caused a furore during the dress rehearsal with very visible female attributes, but is modestly covered up now. There is little “Eastern European feel” here – “Pedestal” is an energetic guitar-based rock song that could blow Avril Lavigne off the stage at any time. Straight to the final with it!

4. Switzerland. Nemo: “The Code”

First credible contribution of the evening! Nemo sings wonderfully, with astonishing range. The stage show doesn’t quite live up to the video, and the partially Norwegian-written song has a “Freestyler”-ish drive without too much happening. Nevertheless, this is quite engrossing, and a clear candidate for the final!

3. Greece. Marina Satti: “Zari”

Greece ends up in a drawer with Malta and Albania, but Marina at least has an “ethnic” touch, which is as if out of the nose of arch-rival Turkey or Arab pop. Incidentally, it looks like all three countries have so far bought the show from the same dance school. Good drive in the song, but unfortunately no memorable or hummable chorus.

2. Albania. Besa: “Titan”

And the budget contributions are coming in on a continuous basis. Unfortunately for Besa and Albania, “Titan” is even more stagnant than Malta’s contribution, and Besa doesn’t quite control the pitch either – i.e. sings falsely. There is no hummable chorus to be found either.

1. Malta. Sarah Bonnici: “Loop”

Sarah Bonnici shows a lot of skin under the glitter bodysuit, and the song has good drive, but is otherwise completely on the same level – another pseudo-Shakira song, accompanied by a boring stage show, which would probably prefer to spend three quarters at a disco. Lucky if it makes it to the finals.