Nina and Henrik lost their son

– Did you hear that?

Nina Henny Ruud smiles when she asks the question. She knows what, or rather whose we heard. Her husband Henrik Ruud sits next to her on the sofa and nods in agreement.

Well then, in their cozy living room in Horten, which this evening is barely lit by anything other than deliciously scented candles, there was “something” that broke a moment of silence between us. We, who are visiting, are unable to define the sound, but experience a very unexpected reaction, the tears roll.

– It was Benjamin, Nina says confidently in her case.

– He often visits.

On 15 May 2016, their barely 18-year-old son was found lifeless at Horten cemetery.

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At first the death was described as “suspicious”. On the basis of an overall assessment of the circumstances and autopsy findings, the case was finally dropped by the Attorney General in 2017.

The conclusion was based on the absence of alternative causes of death. The final autopsy report from the Institute of Forensic Medicine could not establish a definite cause of death.

The parents have been open from the start that they are not satisfied with the investigation. They still have unanswered questions, such as how and why their son died.

– Benjamin was filled with love, says the mother, moved.

The parents only use his first name. As a youth out in the world and a music artist, he called himself Liam.

– Benjamin was able to see each and every one who felt left out, and gave them his attention, Nina praises the empathy his son constantly showed others.

– It was impossible not to like our almost 1.90 meter tall teddy bear.

Henrik listens, eyes blank.

– He was a motherfucker, he says.

It is said positively.

– Nina and Benjamin Liam had a unique connection. The two barely needed words to communicate.

– When he didn’t come home that night in May, we both sensed that something terrible had happened, she says.

– Before we went to bed that Saturday, I had put a soda bottle and a bag of cheese pops outside the door to his room. He loved cheese pops.

After his death, his sister Naomi (29) and a cousin each tattooed a “cheese pop” on their arm.

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The message of death

When the parents woke up that May morning almost eight years ago, the goodies were still outside their son’s door. They both called and left messages for him.

– We understood that his phone was discharged. “Why didn’t I buy him a new battery?”, I arrested myself. I knew it was singing on the last verse. Benjamin always let us know where he was and came home every night.

The night before, the music-interested boy was at “Teknikern” in Horten to celebrate a big skateboarding competition. The next day he and a friend were going on a trip to Sweden with Nina and Henrik.

– “It’s bad of you not to answer!”, his mother finally texted in frustration.

– I wanted to believe that he would show up!

At nine o’clock that morning she heard the sirens of an ambulance.

– Then I thought – Benjamin! We had already called all his friends. No one had seen our boy since he left the club at 04.30.

Then a black Toyota pulled up outside their house. A minute later the priest rang the doorbell.

Bottomless grief

– We fell into a black hole, recalls Henrik and bows his head heavily.

– No words can contain the bottomless sorrow of losing a child. There is one thing we humans are not made to endure; to survive our children! Music is the only “language” that can describe such feelings, so it was our way to process grief.

It is part of the story that they are old musicians, and that their young son managed to win several awards for his self-composed songs.

– Nina and I holed ourselves up in Benjamin’s sound studio. We made music there for the next few months. We finished the songs our son had started. Nina learned to mix. That way we still had him with us. It almost felt like a spiritual process.

The music was posted on Spotify under the names: Ruud family and Liam Ruud.

– I usually have an “elephant memory”, Nina mentions a little playfully in the middle of the seriousness, – but I remember little from the day the priest rang the doorbell. You locked yourself in the toilet, didn’t you, Henrik? Afterwards we drove down to Borrestranda – in shock. Even though we had stopped smoking, we bought ten packs of cigarillos. At Borrestranda, we sat numb and steamed on them, she recalls.

Benjamin had been looking forward to mixing sound at this year’s music festival in Horten. Instead, he was laid to rest that day.

– One of the musicians who was to perform at the festival was Dag Ingebrigtsen. He chose to play during the memorial service to honor our son, says Henrik moved.

– Our boy was already a well-known person within the music community in the city.

– And all the music he has written since he was 14 became our truth, Nina interjects.

– He called one of the songs “Goodbye Horten”. Ironically, it is about death. Benjamin lived strongly and was busy creating. It almost seemed as if he knew he was running out of time.

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Takes life back

A neighbor at Horten cemetery has testified that he heard three death screams at 6am.

– We still have many questions about what happened, say the parents.

The lack of clear answers created an uneasiness in the grief, Nina feels.

She believes that they alone could not concentrate on processing the painful feelings.

– Henrik and I are open-minded. We are not made to put on a mask and pretend that everything is fine. When you’ve practically drowned in grief, it takes time to catch your breath.

– Yes, our son died, but for us he is not gone. He lives on through us who loved him, we who still sense the fine boy, and to whom he shows his presence. In that sense, he is “visible”. The cartoon character Snoopy says it so well: “You only die one day, every other day you live…”

In January 2023, the blog became hennysway.no created. Nina’s way of taking her life back.

– Although I feel sorrow and pain, life is also once again filled with bubbling everyday joy, honesty and truth, she smiles.

– I write about enjoying the tiny little things in life, like the bird on the porch railing, or the warm look and hug from the ones you love. HennysWay is about gratitude, reflection and love.

The blog has in a short time reached readers in as many as 97 countries with the help of a translation function.

Nina – whose middle name is Henny – has shown both herself and others that she never gives up.

– We were both forced to seek a new opinion. I asked myself: What can I share with others? As long as it is not our turn to travel on, we have an unspoken duty to live. Benjamin would have wanted that, and our dear daughter deserves to see that we value life. It wasn’t just us who lost him. Naomi suddenly became an only child.

Sensing the son

When we are visiting, the daughter has just got a great job in Oslo. She is a qualified lawyer.

– We are so proud of her, says Henrik and smiles warmly.

– Naomi was studying in Trondheim when we lost Benjamin. The grief was of course demanding for her. Fortunately, she has landed in a good place with a kind and good fiancé.

He looks towards Nina and grabs her hand.

– My wife is very good at showing love, he says admiringly.

– Without her, I would probably have remained in the painful, dark hole that was crammed full of grief. Instead, we live on in the spirit of our son.

The parents have traveled a lot with the children.

– We could see that it gave them respect and understanding for other cultures. They also learned the joy of giving back from our abundance, says Nina.

The family has a house in Thailand where they live for much of the winter. Benjamin toyed with the idea of ​​moving there permanently.

– His former lover in Hua Hin, like us, has experienced that Benjamin is still among us – in his current form, says Henrik.

That they sense the dead is said to be completely natural.

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Mama’s hotel

The cozy home in Horten is called Mama’s hotel by the children’s friends.

– Benjamin’s friends still drop in often, says Nina, moved.

– They know that our door is always open for them. We have had both foster children and foster children. It is heartening to know that young people as well as the elderly feel that this is a home where they are welcomed with open arms and love. A place where the roof is high, where good conversations are shared, where it is allowed to stay the night if desired or just pop in for a good meal.

Throughout her adult life, Nina has worked in health and care, while Henrik is a graphic designer. In recent years, the married couple have shared a studio on the second floor of the house where they both draw, write and paint.

– Unlike Henrik, I am a beginner in drawing and painting, she says modestly.

It is impossible to see. Together, they obviously manage most things.

Across the hall from the studio, the boys’ room and Benjamin’s sound studio are untouched.

– Until one day we move from here, nothing will be moved in that room, says Nina firmly.

The couple know that they will soon be ready to take that step, to create a home somewhere else.

There is a thin layer of dust over the belongings in Benjamin’s room. Several of the items testify to his passion for music. The framed photographs emphasize what his parents have said about his ability to connect with people across continents.

– Fortunately, Benjamin lived a lot every single day, says Nina full of love.

– Henrik and I find comfort in that certainty. The last words we said to him were: “We are proud of you, Benjamin, we love you!”

This case was first published on 08/05 2024.