A month after hawking gold high-top sneakers for $400, Trump is trying to capitalize on the Easter weekend with his ‘God Bless the USA Bible.’
Donald Trump’s latest effort to fleece his feeble-minded flock doesn’t go far enough.
A month after hawking gold high-top sneakers for $400, Trump is trying to capitalize on the Easter weekend with his “God Bless the USA Bible.”
“Happy Holy Week! Let’s Make America Pray Again,” Trump wrote on his social media site. “As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless the USA Bible.”
Trump is skimming royalties from the sale of Bibles priced at $59.95 plus shipping, fees and any medical expenses buyers may incur from being struck by lightning.
Trump announced his latest shakedown while violating the Ninth Commandment with his usual flair.
“All Americans need a Bible in their home and I have many,” Trump said on his social media site. “It’s my favorite book.”
The idea of the semi-literate Trump having a “favorite book” is about as likely as him winning the golfing championships at Mar-a-Lago without resorting to an unlimited supply of mulligans, strategically kicked balls, mysterious drops and clenched-teeth silence .
He probably thinks the Book of Revelations contains the Mueller Report.
But my beef with Trump’s Bible is that it’s not a Trump Bible but just an already available King James version wrapped in a bunch of performative patriotic packaging.
Trump is calling it “the only Bible endorsed by President Trump.” But rather than putting a fancy cover on an established “deep state” Bible, Trump ought to be selling his own Bible —The King Donald version, one that worships himself, the less-than-divine being who has always been his one true god .
That’s far closer to the truth than this lazy effort to dislodge the last buck from the graduates of Trump University.
So, in an effort to help Trump, I’ve started doing the necessary rewrites. Here’s a sampling of that effort:
The Beatitudes
King James version: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
King Donald version: “Blessed are those who find some votes in Georgia. For they will not inherit the death threats.”
The story of the loaves and fishes
King James version: “Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled.”
King Donald version: “Trump answered them and said, Very powerfully I said ye should try drinking the bleach, and ye will see miracles.”
The money changers in the Temple
King James version: “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers… My house shall be called the house of prayer; but yet have made it a den of thieves.”
King Donald version: “And Trump went into Mar-a-Lago and said, my club shall now be a den of fools who must pay a higher initiation fee in order to have a prayer of talking to me out on the lanai.”
The Second Commandment
King James version: “You are to have no other gods before me … thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.”
If Donald Trump gets convicted, can we just lock him up inside Mar-a-Lago’s tower?
King Donald version: “I hit DeSanctimonious high. I hit him low. I hit him from under the ground. People said, “Sir, what happened to him? He’s a shell of a man.” If somebody says a little bit negative about me, or doesn’t endorse me, I will hit them very hard, very powerfully.
The Crucifixion
King James version: “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”
King Donald version: “And on election night, Fox News was the first to call Arizona for Joe Biden. My goodness, Fox News! Why have you forsaken me?”
The Resurrection
King James version: “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.”
King Donald version: “For Trump himself shall declare victory before the polls are closed, and with Trump as God, he shall free the January 6 hostages first.”
The Impossibility of Sin
King James version: “Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remains in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.”
King Donald version: “Whoever is President Trump has complete and total immunity, even if his seed does not remain in him or the nation’s nuclear secrets are moved to his Florida bathroom.”
In case you missed it: DeSantis activates Florida State Guard again on Haitian immigrants desperate for safety.
The Virgin Birth
King James version: “And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favor with God. And keep, thou shalt conceive in thy womb.”
King Donald version: And they said, ‘Sir, nobody can overturn Roe v. Wade,’ and it was a miracle when I did it so fast, so fast. And now teen rape and incest victims, women with fatal fetal abnormalities, and women who need abortions to save their own lives are being forced to conceive in their wombs. You are welcome.”
The treatment of immigrants
King James version: “For I was hungry, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in.”
King Donald version: We must build a great wall to stop the invasion of the migrants. They’re not people, they’re animals, cannibals and speaking languages no one has ever heard before.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the Gannett Newspapers chain.
